The Necessity Pearls

 (11 min read)

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“When we give cheerfully and accept gratefully, everyone is blessed.”

Maya Angelou

 

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Everything in life is based on dualities. No light without darkness, no colour without blackness, no day without night, no giving without receiving… Giving and receiving are such significant parts of our lives. Everything is a constant exchange of elements, objects, gestures, information and many more forms of energy. And as with anything really, a good balance is key. Join me on a little journey into the world of giving and receiving. It is quite a complex topic and will require some time to think about it. Don’t rush and take your time to think and observe.

 

Imagine that you have a huge shelf in your mind space with hundreds of glass jars that contain tiny pearls. The pearls of each jar have a specific colour that represents a certain human need. If the jar is full, it means that you can afford to give away some of your pearls without the immediate need to refill your jar. Let’s say three quarters full is the optimum level to lead a relaxed and healthy life. If the jar is half full, you are still ok, but aware that you need a refill. Everything below 50% is only supposed to be a non-permanent state. Yet, life is not perfect and therefore we all have this one jar (or several) which isn’t quite full enough and that we are not able to fill ourselves. We are in dire need of hugs and cuddles and don’t have a partner, we are always short on financial resources yet don’t seem to find a well-paying job that is good for us, we don’t exercise our bodies because we are busy with work, kids, family or else…

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Some jars can only be filled by ourselves (self-esteem, self-confidence, fitness etc.), some jars only by others (e.g. physical touch or a listening ear) and some are always full because their content simply IS and can’t be taken or given. Love would be an example of the latter. What others do for you or what they give to you is an expression of THEIR love, but they can’t “give” you love. Love simply IS and cannot become more or less. It is as if the jar of love pearls was there to be shown to others when we give them pearls from other jars. For example, I am giving you pearls of attention and show you my love pearls. If you can see both types of pearls or only the attention pearls that are now in your hands, depends entirely on you. When you do see the love pearls they will remind you of your own jar of love pearls and you will feel the love that you carry inside.

 

But let’s go back to the jars… Your most important jars need to be maintained at a good level. It is absolutely up to you to decide which ones they are. For me it is incredibly important to have time in nature, quality time with loved ones, big bear hugs, financial security and time to rest my senses.

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As I mentioned before, the filling of some of those jars require the interaction with other human beings (or animals) and interactions can be complex, so let’s have a look at the different possibilities when it comes to giving and receiving. Check in with yourself while reading: How do you feel about what I am saying?

 

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There are several types of givers:

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1)   Pure giving is based on seeing whatever is given as a gift or an offer. The giver detaches himself from the result or the consequences of the act of giving and expects nothing in return. The receiver of these gifts is completely free to do with them whatever he pleases. He can keep them, reject them, give them to someone else. It is all the same to the giver as his joy comes from the act of giving or offering. It is a noble state of mind and not easily achieved, yet incredibly rewarding and peaceful.

 

2)   The second type of givers is a person who hopes to get something in return. And this can be an unconscious hope that he might not even be aware of or a secret hope that he won’t express. In his world, giving and receiving is linked and the more he gives, the more he hopes to get in return.  Yet he will not say it (directly) and therefore hope in silence and sometimes suffer from it.

 

3)   The third type of givers are those who actively expect something in return and will let you know if you do not deliver. This creates quite an unhealthy relationship. There are two possible scenarios and I’ll explain them using the image of the pearls:

 

The receiver’s jar of orange pearls is nearly empty and the giver is offering him some of his own. He then expects to receive orange pearls in return. He gave more than he could afford to and is now short on orange pearls himself or he never had enough to begin with. But the receiver either now has a comfortable amount of orange pearls and doesn’t want to give any back or he has just enough to be ok himself and can’t really afford to lose them again. If he still decides to hand some back this could end up in a constant to and fro with no real benefit on either side.

A second possible scenario would be that the giver expects to receive pearls in return that are not of the same colour. Again, it depends on the receiver if these expectations can be met.

 

You can see how having expectations can make our lives pretty difficult.

 

4)   The fourth type of givers won’t accept a NO when they decide to give. I like to call them the “pushers”. They will insist until the receiver gives in and takes whatever the pusher is offering. Now imagine the blue jar of the receiver is already more than ¾ full. He’s quite happy with this amount of blue pearls and doesn’t really need more. The pusher, however, is so focussed on giving, that he does not consider the amount of space left in the receiver’s jar of blue pearl. He pushes another half jar into the receiver’s hands, all happy to be doing something good by giving. Some of those pearls might still fit into the receiver’s jar, but what will he do with the rest?

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He will either find a way to store them elsewhere, give them away to someone who needs them more than he does or just drop them and let them “disappear” (if possible). Sometimes and with the best intentions we push pearls of one colour onto others thinking that this is what’s needed to solve a problem, because in our world it works like that, yet for the other person another colour would be a lot better. Imagine your friend has had an intense experience and is struggling with a lot of chaos in her head. As a good friend you are there to give her all your attention and time, because in your reality, this is working best in such a situation. And you ask questions and try to make her spill out her chaotic thoughts. Surely, she’ll feel better afterwards. However, what she really needs in this moment is space to breathe, enjoy some silence and let her thoughts settle by themselves. Pushers don’t consider other’s realities and usually not because they mean them any harm. They simply haven’t learned to question their own.

 

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There are also several types of receivers. In general, a receiver is anyone who is taking something that has been offered to him. If someone choses not to accept a gift, he does not become a receiver. Anyone has the right to make this decision for themselves. I will talk about boundaries a bit later on. It’s an interesting topic in this context.

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1)   The first type of receiver is anyone who are those who accepts gracefully and gratefully anything that has been given. They are truly thankful for the effort made by the giver and will let them know. They appreciate what has been given and will put it to good use. “It” can be many things: energy from a beautiful warm hug that is then turned into a smile for some stranger on the streets, food that nourishes the body and allows us to be active, money that can buy a sewing machine with which you can make face masks for anyone who doesn’t have one, a listening ear that allows you to vent and sort through the chaos in your head, quality time that allows you to experience the beauty of human relationships, and many more.

 

2)   The second type of receivers are those who have a hard time receiving without giving anything in return. Usually they feel a lot more comfortable in the role of the giver than the receiver. When receiving something they automatically start thinking about what they could do for the giver and they get stressed if they can’t think of anything. Maybe all of their jars are way too empty to give anything away or maybe the jars of the giver are all full and they just don’t need anything… The receiver then most likely feels that he doesn’t deserve what is being offered. It’s a big lesson to learn in life and I am talking from my own deepest experience here. I have a hard time asking for help or accepting anything given when I feel like I have nothing to offer in return in that very moment, but when someone is in need I am the first to offer anything I can afford to give away.

 

3)   The third type of receivers are what I like to call the “demanders”. Demanders are those who ask for what they need and expect it to be delivered. They will be upset and most likely make a scene and be guilt-tripping you if you can’t offer them what they need. It is important to note that I am differentiating “demands” from “requests”. In a request I ask for whatever I need but I’ll be ok, if my need cannot be met. A demander will not accept that. Usually the demanders have not learned that this behaviour is not acceptable and hurtful to any relationship.

 

4)   And then there are the self-made receivers, also known as “takers”. They will take from you what they need without asking. They will walk straight up to your shelf of colourful jars and pick the ones they need and serve themselves. If you let them! In real life this can have many forms: using you as an emotional bin, constantly asking for your attention, staying by your side or hugging you without asking for permission, because they just love your energy, taking up mental space by giving their unasked opinion, and so on...

 

Throughout our lives we are maintaining so many different relationships, some of them chosen, some forced onto us by circumstances like work. Depending on who we are with, we can be in any role mentioned above. Our main character trait and upbringing will give us a main role, but I’m sure we all are any type of giver or any type of receiver at some point in life. Even the ones that we would probably like to deny.

 

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Giving and receiving chain reaction

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A wise person once told me that we don’t always receive from the one we give to. Sometimes for sure, but not always. Often it is more like a chain reaction and it has its logic. Imagine you wish to bake a cake and you forgot to buy eggs. It’s Sunday and you can’t just go to the supermarket to get some. What will you do? You can ask your kind neighbour and if you’re lucky, he will have some for you. Now imagine that the kind neighbour has completely forgotten that he needed the eggs for himself, because he was going to make an omelette for dinner. It would be quite useless to ring your doorbell and ask for eggs as you’ve just made the dough for the cake. In this case the neighbour will ring a friend who lives close by and get some eggs that way. This is a situation in which a giving back and forth is simply impossible. The kind neighbour might need something else though and ask for that. “I can give you eggs but would you have some spare almonds by any chance?” This would create a mini chain reaction. But maybe the kind neighbour feels more comfortable asking his friend for the almonds …

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If we consider everything we give as a gift, we detach ourselves from whatever happens after the act of giving. And whenever we do that we magically attract other pure givers into our lives and suddenly we do receive when we give; just not always from the same person we gave something to. Call it karma, call it law of attraction… 

 

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A little journey into the world of setting boundaries in this context

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If I have strong boundaries, I will be used to saying NO, whenever I am not able to give anything that is asked of me. I will see this as natural and a valid response. It is nothing to be taken personally, but rather a choice I or anyone can make. However, I will automatically expect others to do the same, because this is how my world works. If you can’t do or give what I am asking of you, you will say NO and I will be ok with it. What happens if I meet someone with weak boundaries? It is quite possible that I will take advantage of this person without wanting to or without being aware of it. In the end, if the other doesn’t want to do or give what I ask of him, or he can’t afford to, he will let me know, right?

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However…

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If I have weak boundaries, I will be on the other side of the situation. I will probably always say YES to everything you ask from me, because that’s what I have learned to do. If I have something, I will give it away, even if it is bad for me. The others come first, always. It would feel very selfish, wrong and rude to say NO, especially if someone is in need and I can help. But what happens if I request something from someone who has strong boundaries? How will I react if he says NO? I will either feel rejected or I will insist and try to convince him. I may even say things like: “I would do the same for you.” Or “I have done the same thing for you in the past.” or something along the lines. As I have weak boundaries and my world works like this, I expect everyone else to be the same.

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If I can see both sides of the coin, I will be all the wiser. I will be able to set strong and healthy boundaries for myself AND make sure those who don’t have any don’t get taken advantage of. I can kindly reject their gifts by showing them how much they themselves need what they are about to give away. And I can say NO to any of their requests and kindly explain that I cannot afford to give what they need.

 

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I have been a huge giver all my life. It’s something that comes naturally to me as a highly sensitive and intuitive person. I always seem to know exactly what is needed in any given situation, even without anyone openly expressing it and I have observed the same trait in others. On top of that I was taught to be a giver during my childhood years, and to always care for the others first and then for myself. Note that one is a natural character trait and can be quite nice and healthy if the right awareness if being cultivated, and the other a learned habit and belief, that got me into big trouble throughout my life, especially during my first steps into adulthood and work life, and I am still working on it.

 

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Are you ready for some thorough self-observation? Take some time to go through the following questions and maybe just carry them in the back of your mind while living your life. The answer may vary a lot depending on the situation and relationship you’re looking at.

 

As a giver:

• What are your motives to give? Are you able to give without expecting anything in return?

• Are you giving only what you can afford to?

• Can you remember situations in which you have given more than you should have or wanted to? What was the reason for it?

 

As a receiver:

• How do you feel about receiving?

  • Are you excited?

  • Are you taking it for granted?

  • Do you feel pressured to give something back (immediately)?

• How do you deal with a situation in which you are given more than you can handle?

 

Boundaries:

• How easy is it for you to put yourself first and say NO when needed?

• Do you know someone who is struggling to say NO?

 

 

My wishes for you:

May giving and receiving be a joyful activity in your life.

May you always receive what you need and may all your jars be full of beautifully coloured pearls.

May you experience beautiful surprises when a gift or offer is coming when least you expect it.

 

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