Skunk tossing or an attempt to set boundaries

(8 min read)

 

“When people set boundaries with you, it is their attempt to continue the relationship.

It’s not an attempt to hurt you.”

Elizabeth Earnshaw

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This is a very personal story. It is about a pattern that has visited my life so many times that I feel it might be something important to share with you. Maybe you have experienced it too.  It is about how difficult it can be to successfully set boundaries.

 

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Welcome to the game of Skunk Tossing:

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Who can play:

For this game we need at least two players. One who hasn’t learned to set boundaries or to say no and one who is rather unruly, not good at listening to subtleties, a strong character, in other words someone who doesn't easily see and respect other people’s boundaries.

The players are called the skunk farmer and the rowdy. 

Let’s check out the rules and then we play a hypothetical game of Skunk Tossing with me definitely being the skunk farmer...

 

Rules:

The game consists of several rounds and depending on how both players act during those rounds, it can end one way or another and have more or less rounds. It’s important that both players stick to their characters with all the flaws and talents that are part of it.

 

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Round 1:

The rowdy starts the game by entering the skunk farm just the way he (or she, but I'll stick to one form) usually walks through life. This involves pushing the skunk farmers limits whenever an opportunity arises. It’s important to say that he doesn’t do it as an attempt to annoy or hurt the skunk farmer. He’s a lovable human being who hasn’t been taught that skunk farmers are very sensitive and that skunk farms are places where different rules apply. 

 

In this round the skunk farmer will observe the rowdy, who is stomping around his farm, upsetting the skunks and making a lot of noise. It can be happy noise or joyful noise or teasing noise or aggressive noise. It doesn't really matter. All noise, if too intense, will upset the skunks. The skunks represent the skunk farmer’s nervous system. To the eye of an attentive observer it is therefore quite easy to see how the skunk farmer is feeling. But not everybody has been initiated into the secrets of skunk farmer behaviours and needs.

 

The skunk farmer can now choose his next move. If he tries to ignore and accept the rowdy’s behaviour he’ll lose the round (and possibly the game if the keeps it up for too long). If he decides to speak up or set some kind of boundaries, he’ll win. Most likely it will be something in between. The skunk farmer isn’t used to setting strict boundaries. It makes him feel aggressive and loud himself and he doesn’t like that feeling. Therefore, he might decide to put up signs outside the farm for anyone to see before entering; signs about how to behave on the premises. They say thing like: “Please stay on the paths if you can. If you must leave the path, please make sure to check for rare and valuable plants and don’t step on them.”, “Please keep your voice low and keep up a friendly tone. Loud noises or aggressiveness upset the skunks.” or “Please leave when ask to. There are tasks that need to be done without visitors.”, and many more. You get the idea.

It is possible that the rowdy notices the signs, but most likely he won't understand them. They are written in skunk farmer language and he doesn't speak skunk farmer. 

If, to everybody’s surprise he has learnt the skunk farmer’s language, reads the signs and behaves accordingly, the skunk farmer wins the game. If not, it continues with.... 

 

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Round 2: 

In this round the situation is the same as before but the skunks are already quite alert to what's going on and each time the rowdy approaches the farm they'll become tense and try to hide, but a skunk farm doesn't provide much hiding space. So they do what they can to not be upset and the skunk farmer will stand strong (or try to) in front of his animals. Now the rowdy comes along and continues being his loud and pushy self. But the skunk farmer is prepared. He had this idea of putting signs all over his person: tattoos, stickers on the clothing, a little flag on the hat etc. Impossible to ignore, he thinks. Well, if he's right, he wins the game after round 2, lucky him. But if he's wrong, the game continues in... 

 

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Round 3:

The skunk farmer has a joker up his sleeve and will be able to play it in this round. Skunk farmers tend to be people who enjoy a little bit of solitude and don’t mind closing the gates to their farms and spent some time in their little paradise all by themselves. And that’s what he’ll do right now. The rowdy has to stay outside and wait for his turn to enter the farm. Special friends can always enter the farm by a small gate behind the barn, but only few people hold this secret.

 

During the time of keeping the distancing the skunk farmer can makes new plans. He would like to set up a strategy that has higher chances of being understood by the rowdy. He tries to learn the rowdy’s language and be very clear. He also prepares himself for standing his ground. It’s something he has been struggling with all his life, but he is ready to give it another try. He doesn’t want to keep the skunk farm closed for too long. There are people who have been shut out of the farm with the rowdy and he would like to see them again too. And to be honest, he also likes the rowdy. He sees the good parts in him and would so love to see more of them. He thinks that if he can get the rowdy to acknowledge his hurtful and tiring behaviour and change it, he'll be happy to have him as a visitor, but right now he just doesn’t have the patience and energy to let him in.

 

There are several possible reactions to this situation. If the rowdy manages to hold his horses and wait, chances are that both might win this game together. It depends a bit on whether the rowdy uses this time to learn and understand or not. Maybe he notices that the skunk farmer had actually put up signs in his own language which he had never taken time to notice as he had been striding past without even glancing at them.

If the skunk farmer is lucky the rowdy will kindly ask to join him on the farm, ready to talk and set new rules for a game called “Listen well and respect boundaries", and the game would end here with two winners...

If he doesn’t we might go back to round 2, repeating this cycle until either the rowdy learns to understand and respect the rules of a skunk farm or, one day proceed to round 4.

 

Another possible scenario is that the rowdy is standing outside the gate, outraged or crying asking for the gates to open because he loves being on the skunk farm and he wants to come in right now. He can’t wait, it’s all so unfair. A lovely little tantrum. From a safe distance and hidden behind a tree, the skunk farmer observes this behaviour with interest. So much can be learned here. This scenario definitely leads us to...

 

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Round 4:

Round 4 is an ugly round. The skunk farmer resents getting to this point every time he does. He has tried everything in his power and he is frustrated that again he has to deliver the final blow to his relationship with the rowdy as it is now.

He knows that the skunks are already in a frenzy. They've had enough of all this noise that disturbs their peace and quiet. They want to happily eat their grass and check out the beautiful flowers on the meadow, yet they constantly need to be on guard and run back to the shed whenever the rowdy is coming along being invited or not... The skunk farmer longs for some peace and quiet too. He has ideas and projects to work on but fending off the rowdy and soothing his animals just take so much headspace and energy. He hates conflict and he has tried so hard to win this game for both sides. A little voice inside his head tells him that only if HE wins the game, both will win. If he loses, both will have to deal with the emotions of letting go. But deep inside he has already let go since the time he closed himself in and nothing had changed afterwards. So this time he doesn't hold back.

 

He grabs a skunk, telling it to be ready, and tosses it over the fence to the rowdy who, surprised by this sudden attack, catches the skunk and holds it tight. This is the signal for the skunk to let off the biggest and loudest and stinkiest fart humanity has ever heard and smelled before. It's a special fart. It speaks rowdy’s language and so the skunk tells the rowdy all the things that the farmer wasn't able to bring across in his quiet and loving way. Imagine the surprise in the rowdy’s face. The bigger the animal, the stinkier the fart will be.

 

After having relieved himself from a lot of wind in his bowels, the skunk has scurried back inside the farm, where the farmer is sitting and watching the rowdy’s reaction from a safe distance. The skunk farmer doesn’t dare go closer as he might be tempted to toss more skunks and they might not be as friendly and small as the first one. Skunk farts are incredibly direct and assertive, telling a truth that possibly not even the skunk farmer himself knew he was carrying inside. He hates having to toss skunks because he feels bad for anyone who gets hurt in the process. I mean, he knows. They are his skunks and he has experienced the farts himself. Skunk farts rarely transmit good things along with the bad ones. It would help a bit to soften the impact. Maybe he could toss skunks wrapped in flowers? But I doubt that it would help. The rowdy would probably close his eyes and concentrate on the bad smell. It’s a shame because it leaves the impression that suddenly everything is bad and all the good times have been forgotten.

 

At the same time tossing skunks feels incredibly good which can lead to severe internal conflicts for the skunk farmer. He feels so relieved to know that at least for some time he has freed himself of the game. No more stomping on his feelings and flowers, no more pushing his skunks around, no more, no more... Until he’s ready to face a new game. If ever. That depends a lot on how much the rowdy means to him and on how severe the damage is that has been done to his farm during the game.

 

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The end of the game:

The skunk farmer has learned a lot and from now on he will try to toss baby skunks whenever someone decides not to stick to his rules. He also prints little leaflets for visitors and whoever is a risk for the health and wellbeing of his animals will be shown the door.

 

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I am still playing those games with people from my past. It’s really challenging and I have decided that from now on there will be no new games if I can avoid it. People who don’t understand the messages of a baby skunk are not allowed to enter my skunk farm.

 

Have you experienced anything like this?

How are you dealing with your own boundaries and those of others? 

 

May you stand your ground and make taking care of yourself your priority, whenever you need it.

 

I had found so many more amazing quotes on boundaries that it was hard to decide on one. That’s why I will leave them here for you to decide on the one you like best:

 

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“A boundary is a definite place where your responsibility ends and another person’s begins. It stops you from doing things for others that they should do for themselves.”

Unknown

 

“No is a complete sentence.”

Anne Lamott

 

“We cannot simultaneously set a boundary and take care of another person’s feelings.”

Melody Beattie

 

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.”

Brené Brown

 

”A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.”

Unknown

 

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