Realities

(8 min read)

“Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder!”

Plato

Have you ever had this type of dream that just felt so incredibly real, that when you finally woke up, you could still hear the voices in your mind and remember smells or emotions as if it had just really happened in the world that you're actually living in? How did that make you feel? Curious? Intrigued? Irritated? Bewildered? Scared (if it was a nightmare)?

And have you ever taken a dream like this into your day, thinking about it or trying to shake off the emotional impact on you? Did you tell yourself that it is “just a dream” and “not real"? What would you mean by “not real”? Because when you were in that dream, right in that moment, everything was “real” to you. You even still feel it in your body!

So what is real and what a reality? Is there more than one reality? How does our perception of the world affect the way we express ourselves and our realities? And who decides what is real and what not?

Is money real? To me it is, but my cat for example, just sees a funny piece of metal that she can happily push off the table.

Is my dog’s fear of fireworks real? Absolutely, although in my point of view it is a beautiful, colourful display against the night sky.

Is a panic attack real? Yes, and this is important! The person who is in the midst of a panic attack is having a full body and mind experience of extreme fear, although seen from the outside, there is no “real” threat.

Is a child’s sadness about someone eating all their imaginary cookies real? Also yes! This child is experiencing the emotions of the situation for real in her body, even if it is “only in her mind.”

Is my need for sunglasses real, whenever the sun is out and shining its beautiful bright light, even in winter? Sure! I have blue eyes and I am highly sensitive, so when I am hiking next to my friend who never ever wears sunglasses, I am amazed. How can she do that?

And many more situations like this. Can you think of some of your own? What is true or real for you that isn’t for others in your life?

I guess we can kind of agree on certain things to be real for all of us: The sun, the earth, the trees in the forest, the people in your life, your cat or dog, your body and so on. But what about abstract things like the ones I mentioned above or others like love and hate, safety and danger, beauty and ugliness, a good relationship and a bad one?

Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder and everything else lies in his or her reality.

If someone shares with you what their reality looks and feels like in one moment, listen carefully and try to understand it. Do not voice your opinion on their reality. You have no right to decide whether someone’s reality or experience is valid or not. You can be right or you can be kind. Choose wisely. This small but amazing teaching is part of the non-violent communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg that I admire so much.

Imagine the following very typical situation in any relationship:

A: Why haven’t you told me about X before?

B: But I have told you!

A: No, you haven’t!

B: Yes, I have!

A: No!

B: Yes!

…

Can anyone, even the people involved in this situation, tell for sure, who is right? In A’s reality, the said conversation about X never happened. In this moment it doesn’t matter, if this is true or not. What matters is that in his or her current reality it is not true. In B’s reality he or she has definitely told A about X, but what if that has only been a plan or a conversation inside B’s head? Who is right? We can’t know, but what we can do is be kind and try solve the situation as best and lovingly as possible. If we insist on being right, someone will get hurt for sure.

Another habit that can get us hurt is expecting others to know our realities in any given moment. No one can look into our heads and “see” what we feel, need or desire, so it is important to communicate well. The less we expect other to guess our needs and then fulfil them, the more likely we will actually have them fulfilled and feel great about it on top. Again, the communication style we use here is crucial. It is always best to explain your reality neutrally and to give as much detail as is needed for the other to understand.

Always start from yourself:

I need to feel protected, could you give me a hug?
I feel cold, do you have a blanket or can we turn up the heating?
I am feeling confused and need alone-time to sort out this chaos in my head.
I feel you did not understand exactly what I wanted to say. I may not have explained it well enough for you. I will try again in a different way.
I am overwhelmed. Can we leave the shopping centre and get some fresh air in a calmer place?

No accusing or defensive language, just kind information.

Language is a powerful tool and in the society that I have grown up in, this is not something that we are taught. As a highly sensitive person I often know how people think just by the way they chose to express themselves, the words or expressions they use, etc. Mostly, it is not about what we say, but how we say it.

Let’s take the opposite situation in which we are facing someone else’s reality that doesn’t match our own. Imagine someone is suffering and tells you about it. Some typical responses are the following. I put in Italic the real message behind these words:

Others have it worse, be grateful for what you have. (You have no right to be suffering.)
You are not the only one in this situation. There are many out there like you and they seem fine with it. (Why are you making such a fuss when others deal well with it?)
It is not that bad. (You are exaggerating, possibly to seek attention.)
No need to be crying. (Crying is for REAL problems.)
Just get over it. You’ll see it is nothing really. (You’re making a fuss over nothing.)
Just think positively. (We don’t accept anything negative.)
Just stop thinking about it. (You’re overthinking.)
You can’t just do nothing. (You’re being lazy and unproductive, which is not acceptable.)
That’s not realistic. (You’re a dreamer and hysteric.)

All of this is invalidating the experience and the reality of anyone who’s in pain. It denies them the right to feel what they are feeling and think what they are thinking. Talking to many people in the last years has shown me how differently the concept of “positive thinking” is perceived. In my opinion or reality thinking positively means accepting every emotion and every thought as real without labelling it as good or bad and then working with or through it. I can feel a lot of grief, anger or even hatred. But as long as I sit with it, observe it and learn from it, I will come out the other side as a healthier human being.

Negative thinking would be getting stuck in the thoughts and feelings and not moving through and transforming them, or even bottling them up. If I don’t allow myself to think or feel anything that society labels as “negative”, I will deny myself the right to process these thoughts and emotions. This can have a serious impact on my mental and physical health as well as on my relationships to others.

To sum it up: There are thoughts and feelings. If they are perceived as positive, negative or neutral depends on each and everyone’s individual Reality.

I would like to challenge you to do a little exercise in the days to come:

1) Observe your interactions with others. Can you spot different realities for what they are and accept that no one is right and no one is wrong?

2) Observe your thoughts when those differences come up. Do you feel a resistance in accepting that your reality might not be the universal one? Do you start doubting your own reality or are you confident about it? Can you accept that there simply are different realities and not judge?

3) Start implementing little changes to your language (spoken AND in your inner monologue). Add “for me” or “in my reality” to statements about your perception of the world. You will find out that this can stop arguments right in its tracks, because it removes the objectivity and inserts subjectivity, which, as we know, is hard to argue about. Do the same for the other person. Say “I see that X or Y or Z is true for you. I don’t see it that way, but tell me more about it. I would like to understand.”

4) Try to state facts as little as possible, especially when talking about preferences. “Sunglasses have to be worn on top of the head if you don’t need them.” Guess what, I know someone, who puts them on the back of his head as if he had eyes there. It looks funny and who decides what is right or wrong? Start saying “I prefer this or that.” Instead. It is ok to say that the Earth is round. I guess we all kind of agree on that, although even that reality is being questioned by some and who am I to judge them for it?

Do our realities change? Yes, absolutely.

Reality is flexible and constantly on the move. Your reality as a teenager is very different from your reality as a grown-up. And the reality of your 30 is different from the reality you experience in other stages of your life. Life is a never-ending learning experience. Simply by going through a multitude of experiences and challenging situations your reality changes. Do you remember when you were so young that 30-year-olds seemed quite old and then, when you turned 30, you suddenly felt way too young for many of the challenges you had to face in that stage of your life? Science constantly changes our reality too by discovering new laws of nature or by proving that what has been considered an absolute scientific truth is, in fact, not that true. I remember that, when I was a kid, I saw this movie in which a couple was talking on a special science fiction phone while looking at each other on screens. And guess what. I thought that to be pretty unrealistic. And look at what we are doing now on a daily basis. Funny, isn’t it?

This all means that we can also actively change our realities. It is a process that requires a lot of patience and observing in order to detect aspects of our reality that are coming from childhood and, most importantly, from other people. How often do we take something for real just because someone has said it to be so?

If as a child you've learned that being sensitive means being weak and fragile, it will be quite a challenge to change this reality that you've lived with for so long. This is an especially good example to show how enriching and important it is to question our own perceptions and realities. And by questioning, I mean just that. Ask yourself where these aspects of your reality come from. It does not mean doubting or denying those aspects, just observing and making small adjustments (or big ones) if you deem them necessary and if you consider that.

Never take yourself and your reality too seriously ;)

Ahimsa Sen

Realities