Of Light and Darkness and what is in between

(7 min read)

 

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Imagine a world in which your state of mind is represented by the light or darkness that surrounds you and how you perceive this world is defined by what you can see and what you can’t. The more the light surrounds you, the brighter and more colourful you see and perceive the world. Things appear easy (or at least easier) and more enjoyable. But if the light fades away, everything starts to look dull and grey. Or even pitch black, depending on how deep in the dark you are.

 

But there is more to it than just those two opposite scenarios. The transitions between them are just as important and I had not given them a lot of thought until I came out of one of my dark moments. Since I learned to observe my mind from the outside, I am quite surprised and even impressed by what I see. And I would like to share it with you in case you have been there too or know someone who has. Observing your thoughts and knowing what’s really going on is a big first step in the right direction. Let’s have a look at light and darkness and what is in between.

 

Life isn’t always bright sunshine. I think we all know that. How you personally experience it, is a highly individual matter, but in general we all go through phases. Maybe we could compare those to day and night. During the day, the sun shines on you and your world and the light gives you energy and uplifts your mood. You can clearly see what is around you and it is beautiful and enjoyable. Then the light fades away and day shakes hands with night.

 

Slowly you have to turn on extra lights in order to still see where you are and continue what you have been doing. If you are a fervent reader you have probably experienced the situation of sitting totally absorbed in a story and not really realising that dusk has come until you can barely make out the words on the paper. So you get out your candle or reading light and carry on. And in the morning, when the sun comes out again, you pack them away for the next time that darker times come. You manage those ups and downs, they are part of life and you are used to them.

 

If, however, you are suffering from a depressive phase, bad PMS mood swings or have just experienced a traumatic event in life, things can look very differently. Less smooth, less manageable, faster and more disturbing.

 

You can imagine it more like stepping into a dark apartment after having been in the brightest sunshine. When the door closes behind you, you are suddenly stuck in a really dark place and you have no idea where the exit is. The contrast is so immense that your eyes need some time to adjust. It is quite a shocking experience. At first you just stare and blink but you can’t see a thing. No references, no outlines, no shapes.

 

The only way to get to know the space is to use your hands. Things are vague and dull and while moving around you constantly hit your shins, knees and arms against something that’s standing in your way. If you are lucky and the walls have some cracks your eyes will slowly get used to the darkness and you will see some shapes but all the colour and brightness from the outside is gone. You didn’t go into this place voluntarily and you have absolutely no clue how long it will take you to get back out into the sunshine.

 

At first you will remember the warmth on your skin and you’ll see images of intense beauty flickering past your inner vision. You will try to hold on to them but they also hurt your soul because you long to be out there and experience it again. But where you are everything is dark. If you had had enough warning you’d have brought candles or some sort of light that might show you the way to the door. But you aren’t lucky this time.

 

After some time, however, you will be less disoriented and maybe you can start exploring the surroundings. Even if it is not the first time that you have been thrown into the dark, it will be challenging because dark places aren’t always the same and you’ll have to check it out. This is quite a tedious task. Day or night, all is the same to you. There is no sun to get your energy levels up from the outside. Somehow you have to find the energy from within.

 

When everything is dark it is a huge effort not to give in to temptation and just sit around in a comfortable place closing your eyes and waiting for it to be over. There is no distraction from the outside and your inside is all you see and hear. There will be moments in which you just wish for it to end. Either by an eternal darkness that engulfs you and makes you disappear forever or by finding a light switch, an easy solution perhaps, or a button that you can press and everything is nice and shiny again. The longer you stay in this place, the harder it will be to imagine not being in darkness. You vaguely remember this feeling of lightness and joy but it’s a faraway memory.

 

Usually there is a communication panel in one of the rooms with which you can contact people on the outside but you hesitate to use it. Will they be able to help? Will they know where you are? Will they try to understand and listen carefully to your description of the place? Or will they wonder what’s wrong because they can’t see any darkness and just tell you to open the door and join them outside? (Seeing the door from the outside is easy but you just can’t find it from the inside.) Will you be able to deal with seeing them all happy outside in the sunshine or would you prefer not to, because it will make you envy them and you will hurt even more? And how will you feel about asking for help? Maybe you feel ashamed for not being able to deal with it yourself and be stronger. You should be able to find the door, right?

 

Most likely you will wish to reach out to those who know about dark places; those who have been there too. It will not have been the same place, but they know the struggles. Ideally it will be someone who knows how to keep the light low on their side of the panel screen in order to prevent you from being blinded or hurting your eyes with the light that surrounds them.  It feels so good to communicate with these “friends of darkness”.

 

It might even help you feel calm enough to look around more carefully and suddenly, with the help of your friend’s soft glow, you see a box on a table in the far corner of the room that you hadn’t noticed before. And inside that box is a candle and some matches or a small torch. Whatever your imagination would like to be there. With this small light you can start searching the place more thoroughly. And you might find more candles in other places and light them all. After a while you will finally find the door and you push it wide open and step outside.

 

You will feel some excitement. This is what you wished for. But you also dread it. It is, indeed, beautiful to feel the sunlight warm your skin once more, but you can’t possibly open your eyes. There is so much light that your eyes hurt and you can’t see a thing. You feel slightly embarrassed. Wasn’t this the moment you wished for? And now you feel uncomfortable because you kind of wish to be back in the dark where your eyes didn’t hurt so much?

 

As it took some time to get used to the dark, so it will take a while to be comfortable back in the sunshine. The brighter the day, the more difficult it will be. Maybe you will put on sunglasses to lessen the effect or use a hat or stay in the shade of a tree until you feel ready to be out in the sunlight again. And you will hope that you won’t come across too many people who say: “There you are, you look great. I’m sure it wasn’t that bad.” Or something along those lines...

 

Because you remember. You remember how bad it was and how you really tried to see the colour of things but you failed and you blamed yourself for not being capable enough. And you feel ashamed, because it seems that many others don’t seem to know those dark places, or at least they successfully pretend not to.

 

You also realise that you have been so consumed by your quest of finding your way out that you completely neglected taking care and connecting to others who you know might also have been in similar places at the same time. It makes you feel selfish and a bad friend.

 

Out in the open it seems so weird not to see all the beauty. How is that possible? But you know that it might happen again any day. If only you could prepare for it or have something or someone at your side that calls you back before the door closes on you again.

 

The good news is that step by step you will learn to observe and maybe keep little reminders close to you that will be pulled into the darkness with you. Reminders of who to call, of what helped you last time and of the fact that it’s ok. It’s ok to be where you are. I am not saying it’s ok in the sense of nice, cosy or enjoyable, but in the sense of acceptable and permitted. In any moment you are doing your best and no one, not even you yourself, is allowed to ask or expect more from you.

 

You are not the darkness. Always remember that.

 

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