If words were balls

(8 min read)

 

​

If words were balls, what would they look like?

If words were balls, how would they fly from one person to another?

If words were balls, would we be more careful which ones we use in a conversation?

 

​

A thought experiment about how a Highly Sensitive Person experiences conversation.

 

If words were balls they'd probably come in different colours and sizes. Words have as many meanings as there are colours in the part of the light spectrum that's visible to us. Now imagine that "sun" is a yellow ball, "tree" a green one, "pine tree" a darker shade of green, "water" blue, "chocolate" brown and "love" red and so on. Some of the balls would definitely have a similar shade of colour even if their meanings were different. Consider for example the words "love" and "anger", which are both usually associated with red. We see that colour alone doesn't suffice as a distinguishing feature for our thought experiment. Join me in my imaginary workshop, where we can let our creativity run free and make balls from a whole variety of materials, such as cotton, paper, wood, glass, stone, iron etc.

 

Now think of all the conversations that you have had in your life. Observe how context, volume and emotional charge have such a big influence on how strong, hard, negative, assertive, loving, flattering or positive we perceive a certain word to be. We can throw stone balls as they are or we can wrap them up in a fluffy and soft cotton context, we can make strong emotions as small glass balls into bigger ones made of wool and we can control the volume and intensity by handing the ball to the other person instead of throwing it at full speed. There are so many options and variations and it is up to the speaker to make the right choice in any given situation.

 

Words are a powerful tool that we can use to influence our own reality and that of others. Words can heal or hurt, words can unite or separate, words can be nice or nasty and words can build or destroy.

 

With this in mind, let's have a look at our world of ball conversations:

The basic idea is that conversation is a constant exchange of word balls. What those exchanges look like depends on the situation in which the conversation takes place. When listening carefully to others, we catch their word balls and when we wish to answer, we choose suitable balls and throw them back. When we are in the theatre or at an event where speeches are made it is a little bit different. Here we just receive all the balls that drop out of the loudspeakers or off the stage. The more attention we pay to a conversation, the more we actually look at the balls that we receive. In a friendly conversation, the balls fly softly from one to the other. In a fight, however, the speed of the balls increases and sometimes they come rushing at us so fast that we barely have time to look at them carefully and react with consideration. Many an unintended ball is chosen in situations like these.

 

On top of that each person has his or her very own style of communication which he has created based on his natural temperament and his experience of the past. Some choose the harder and more noticeable balls and maybe even need them to understand what is being said. Others find it hard to endure them and prefer the softer ones. Some choose their balls really carefully, others act more spontaneously, following their impulses. This is what makes conversation so diverse and challenging especially when people with different communication styles meet.

​

Let's take this thought a little bit further and look at how we catch or defend ourselves from conversation balls that come our way. Imagine that each human being was born equipped with some sort of body protection. Those who enjoy the loud and intensive side of life are usually wearing full body armour like the knights from the medieval era. Even the hardest balls just bounce off this armour without any problem. Others only have partial protection like football or rugby players. Depending on where the ball hits the body it will hurt or not. When hard balls hit unprotected parts, they can create visible or even invisible wounds.

 

With this picture in mind we can line people up in a row depending on how reactive they are to external influences or stimulations. Walk with me to the far end of the line furthest from the knights and see what we find there. Maybe you'll be surprised to see people with just their skin and light clothing for protection. They can only catch and throw word balls with their hands. These people are highly sensitive and experience communication in a different and sometimes very painful way.

 

Let's go one step further and take two people from the opposite extremes of the human chain and let them interact in a conversation. To keep it simple, I will call them the knight and the lover. Each of them is talking with their preferred balls because that's what feels familiar to them. If we let the knight throw his beloved iron balls towards the lover, the latter has little chance of defending himself from the attack. Maybe he can avoid some of them but most will hit him somewhere on his body. After the conversation he will have to take care of his wounds and that takes time. Most wounds will heal but some leave scars as a reminder.

 

The lover tries to set limits and explain to the knight that iron balls are painful, but his cotton balls don't always reach the knight or if they do, they lightly brush the armour unnoticed. And so the knight continues to toss his iron balls hurting the lover more and more, unconsciously and unintentionally. This is a very frustrating experience for both sides. The knight doesn't understand why the other reacts so strongly to his words and the lover feels not seen and misunderstood. He has the following options: He can pick harder balls in order to make himself heard and to show the urgency of the situation. They don't have to be iron balls but at least a material that can be felt by the knight through his armour. Or he finds a way to withdraw that leaves no space for misunderstandings. As a last resort he endures the situation and takes care of himself and his wounds alone.

 

I am convinced that we can all learn to identify the different types of conversational preferences and find a way to interact with each of them in a good and healthy way. In our story the knight will discover new materials, learn about their textures, how they impact on others and choose those that are acceptable and comfortable to the lover. And the lover will understand that not everyone is bothered by hard balls and that it is OK to throw them at some people, even though he will never feel comfortable in doing so because of his own experiences and feelings. To adapt to another person’s needs doesn't mean giving up who you are. It means honouring who the other person is. And if all sides meet half way, everybody wins.

 

I invite you to continue this thought experiment and observe the people that surround you. What kind of protection does each of them have? What communication style do those that are easiest or hardest for you to be around like? What is your own protection and style? What helps you personally to have healthier conversations and understand others better? Are you ready to walk this path, to be the one to take the first step and have others follow your example?

​

You deserve it and I wish you the courage to do it, with all my heart. Because words are powerful and with power you can change your world.

​

​