Cocoon and grow

(6 min read)

 

„Alone had always felt like an actual place to me, as if it weren’t a state of being, but rather a room where I could retreat to be who I really was.” 

Cheryl Strayed

 

Have you ever had this very unique sensation of entering a very quiet place after an intensive experience (either good or bad) and smiling to yourself, completely happy to be alone? I call it the cocoon. I was planning to write about this for quite a while and just a few days ago I stumbled upon the quote above and I realised that I couldn't have found a better opening line. It expresses so perfectly what I mean when I am talking about my cocoon or when I tell friends that I am cocooning. I guess I have been cocooning many times in my life but only now have I become really conscious of it and I have to admit that I absolutely love it. And that's why I want to share it with you. May it inspire you and give you yet another tool for your path through life.

 

A cocoon is a place of transformation. Caterpillars seal themselves tightly into cocoons in order to become butterflies. In nature this is a process that happens only once, but human beings are blessed with many such opportunities in life. Imagine that in the beginning of your life you already are a butterfly, but your wings are bright white. The older you become, the more spots of colour you will uncover on your wings and the truer you are to yourself, the brighter and more beautiful the colours. The spots appear every time you have learned something valuable about yourself. And one way to do that is to become a caterpillar again and again, to cocoon and go through some deep reflection time and then shed the old skin and become a butterfly again. With new colours.

 

In my opinion, there are two main cocoons that are both equally valuable. The "I lived through something so amazing that I am clinging to it with body and soul and I am still living and reliving it in my memory and I don't want to let it go just yet" cocoon and the "I got so overwhelmed by life, that I feel like running away, slamming the door shut behind me and not come out again for quite a while. Everybody just be silent and leave me alone" cocoon.  Let's have a closer look at them.

 

The first time that I became aware of cocooning was after I had spent the most beautiful four days in a yoga retreat centre in nature. I was participating in an advanced Thai massage training and the group was very special. From the first moment on I created deep connections and I felt incredibly secure and free. We learned a lot, but also hugged, laughed, and shared wisdom and experiences. I was recovering from a burnout and being surrounded by so much love and acceptance was honey to my soul. After days like this I always find it hard to say goodbye. How can you just go back to your “normal” life when your body and mind are full of memories that are still so alive that you have physical reactions to them? I can't.

 

So I remember that I went back to where I lived and it took me several days to start talking to my friends again; people I had been talking to on a daily basis before I left for the course and who were an important part of my life. But right then, in that moment, I wanted to be alone with the memory. I wanted to close my eyes and feel all those beautiful emotions and think about the interesting and inspiring conversations and continue doing it until it slowly fades into long-term memory by itself. In those moments I feel that sharing my thoughts and feelings are a risk I dare not take. The risk of sharing it with someone who can't give it the importance it deserves or who doesn't "get it". It would be such a spoiler. It's like a tiny beautiful flower that needs to be touched by delicate fingers only. And so I cocooned. 

 

Since the day I was aware of it and I started explaining to those around me about the cocooning phenomena, my life was so much easier. I could just ask for time and stayed there until I had processed all that needed processing. I was happy and somewhat relieved to receive a lot of understanding. One day a friend told me that she had the same feeling after an intensively beautiful backpacking trip to Nepal. She was feeling bad about not wanting to meet up and talk about her trip. I was dying to hear about it, but I deeply connected to her in that moment. When I told her about my view on cocooning, I felt her relax. And when she was ready we had our moment of sharing and remembering.

 

I mean, it is heart-warming when our loved ones are interested in what we do and experience, but sometimes we feel like we owe them. They show interest so we think we need to deliver the story in order to be polite. I invite you to see it differently, because this might just be what you think that other expect and it creates an internal conflict: other people's curiosity vs. your needs. It is your decision to use this cocooning time to fully process any emotion that is there. Listen to it, observe it, feel it, feel it some more, cherish it and then, when you are ready, share it with others.

 

Other times that made me retreat into my cocoon weren't so positive. There are many reasons that drive me into cocooning. They are very typical for any Highly Sensitive Person or Introvert: I have been spending too much time socialising and I feel drained. I have chosen to give all my attention to someone else who I felt needed me and by that have disrespected my own need for a time out. I have had difficulties saying no to someone who claimed my attention and I couldn't get away from it or didn't know how to. I have been exposed to a lot of noise, turmoil, opinions, stress, hectic people, travelling etc. Or I am currently living through a depressive phase and the world is dark and I feel bad for feeling bad. In those moments I often feel very lonely because I have stopped being a good and caring companion to myself.

 

And then magic happens. It's true! It's like being in a super busy street with lots of cars, vendors praising their wares, children running and laughing, people bustling around and bumping into you all the time, and then you remember the wall with the tiny hidden door. You push it open and step into a beautiful garden with trees and flowers and... absolute silence apart from nature's healing sounds.

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And suddenly you can stop paying attention to others and start being with yourself. It's like a mental and emotional Spa. And the Wall is clearly marking the difference for you between what it you and yours and what you have made yours but actually belongs to others. More sensitive human beings often have a hard time distinguishing between the two. One of the most interesting aspects of cocooning is that I never feel lonely there. I am with myself and some VIPs, namely my cats and some special guests that I invite. And then I sleep, read, take a bath, sit in the sun like a lizard, go for a walk, do some handcrafting, put on some music, dance to it or not and so on. I am simply following my intuition and heart and let my brain rest. Honestly, I love cocooning. I am so deeply in peace when I do, because in this very moment I allow myself to just be and I silence my own expectations and those I think other have of me. Simplicity reigns my cocoon. And in this simplicity lies the treasure. I have given myself an opportunity to find out what I have been missing and in what way I have not paid due respect to myself and my boundaries. And each time I leave my cocoon I am a different person and on my shelve of life lessons, there is yet another beautiful and shiny trophy to be proud of and remember.

 

Do you have a cocoon? What does it look like and when do you usually go into it? And do you give yourself permission to stay in there all the time you need to reconnect with yourself? I am curious to hear your stories. Share them with me if you like. I'll appreciate every single one of them.

 

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